Could he write his own story without it being one of his patent-protected cook books?

I know they said results may vary but I don’t like how seriously I’m taken when I use that conditioner.

"Captain, fitted bathing suits are a privilege not a right."

"You and I, we part our hair on the same side. I'm afraid that's where the similarities end, though, as you are the worst kind of Russian beet farmer and I sell c batteries."

It's a shame when senseless pageantry and competitiveness obscure the real miracle that is digestion.

Whoever said a messy home is the sign of a messy mind never considered how messy it can be just to get those damn sardine cans open.

As many people as could have guessed that these would be the sort of questions you’d ask yourself when faced with the dilemma of ____(1)_____ far fewer would have expected that your answer would be ____(2)_____.


A) the choice of spatulas; the big one
B) which robot to choose; the salad shooter
C) how to mend a broken heart; bubbles
D) waning natural resources; bubbles
E) how this will all end; walking pneumonia

Whomever put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop was most likely a rank opportunist. But whomever put the sham in the shamma lama ding dong was clearly a psychotic.

"See those peonies; so vulnerable; their pain is man’s pain."

"I really don’t see how."

"Ok, you’re right."

It'd be plain silly to grow a beard and then cut your nose hairs. We can forgive people's contradictions but don't make fools of us.

"Why are sea nymphs always throwing themselves around in such a maudlin way?"

By now we know virtually all there is to know about the wild kingdom. Whole libraries house documentary footage of almost every moment from the lives of almost every member of every phyla in every far flung stretch of humid reeds. But in all that footage we see no evidence of any wild animals itching.

We itch.

Our domesticated furry friends itch perhaps more than anything else in a given day.

So why don't they--living out there amidst whole minions of living, air-borne irritants--itch?

Who's fooling who? I want answers.

"These are my birthday shoes!"

"What do you mean? They were a gift?"

"No, never received a gift in my life; these are my birthday shoes!"

"You never received a gift?"

"Well, I once got a gift certificate but I don't consider that a meaningful gift--there's no thought in it."

"Sure there's thought in it--namely, 'this whole rigamarole is not as inherently meaningful as it is that you get something you want. your pleasure is more important than your being flattered by my thoughtfulness.'

"Oh, that's a lot of hooey. Time is money so you can subtract from the overall value of the gift certificate the cost of my time."

"So you're sayng that the measure of a gift's thoughtfulness is its cash value."

"Listen, bub, you gonna buy my birthday shoes or not?!?"

"How much?"

"20"

"10"

"Sold!"

"What do you mean 'you've always thought that eastern standard time was the correct time', Captain?"

"Just what I said: eastern standard time is the correct time."

"But we're in the central standard time zone."

"Well, it can't be two different times at once or nobody would ever be able to make plans. I think they've got it right in the east. It's 8:15 right now, not 7:15. And just as sure as the sun is risen, you can't tell me that it's 6:15 or 5:15. After all, our founding fathers came from the east."

"The sun's probably not up in Oregon yet so it makes sense for it to be 5:15."

"Loggers and tramps. I'll give them 20 more minutes--probably had a bit of a bender last night."