Europa, Europa!

The plan was perfectly wrought: what better way to seduce the object of your desire than to turn yourself into a cow. For such was the way of this woman and such was the will of Zeus whose sexual prowess was only matched by the duplicitousness required to effectuate his zealous loves and ecstatic erotic unions. And when the cow spoke she thought: hey, talking cow! and she was filled with a sense of adventure and rebellion. And when she was installed as the Queen of Crete she knew: this was more than just a talking cow, this was a magical cow. And though Zeus had long since revealed his true form she always looked back fondly at the cow who had first swept her off her feet.

Gunther A. Macoulahputz, Postmaster General: the 80s

What an anomaly. After returning to ourselves throughout previous decades we now turned away like one would from a video of your lower intestine hard at work. Everyone, but everyone, was seized with the certainty that we were living in the future. But not the idealized future posited by ideologues; as often as not the future we'd suddenly found ourselves in was a dystopian revelation. What choice did I have? We were losing. So, I did what I had to do: I allowed mail-carriers everywhere to start wearing short pants, but, only if they wore safari hats too.

And when the moment comes you will feel nothing: no fear, no love, no pride, no pain, no pants, no shirt - just an urge and a headband. And when you can't fit it into your empty can nor squash it beneath your sandal, you'll raise the bullhorn to your lips and through your song the world will know the terror and exhilaration you feel at having absolutely no recollection of the past 48 hours. And your unintelligible admonitions and indecipherable entreaties will set us all free.

Favorite Proverbs Explained

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness."
Explanation: If you can't be a pious sort, at least wash that frock once in a while.


"Discretion is the better part of valor."
Explanation: the other part involves a knowledge of explosives and, in all probability, flame-retardant pants - you choose.


"Charity begins at home."
Explanation: First treat yourself to a nice piece of fish; then, go ahead and donate that car in the garage to the blind but maybe make sure they only drive it slowly.


"Don't go near the water until you learn how to swim."
Explanation: but even after you've learned there are plenty of strokes that are equally useful on dry land.


"Barking dogs seldom bite."
Explanation: go ahead and take that soup bone back, Rex won't mind.


"Better to be alone than in bad company."
Explanation: they were an altogether shitty band, your solo career can only improve.


"Don't wash your dirty linen in public."
Explanation: self-explanatory


"Every man has his price."
Explanation: maybe, but you're a real bargain only wanting that last bit of corned beef.


"Fear of death is worse than death itself."
Explanation: If you're that upset about it, the Powers that be will probably let you keep that sectional sofa or promise to get you another one just like it.


"He that is master of himself will soon be master of others."
Explanation: you too can end your almost chemical reliance on toothpaste if you just follow my simple instructions.


"He that knows nothing, doubts nothing."
Explanation: If you knew anything you wouldn't have trusted Dr. Mojak’s promise to refrain from fondling your breasts while you were sedated.


"He who hesitates is lost."
Explanation: what the hell are you waiting for these yams won't peel themselves.


"Ignorance of the law excuses no man."
Explanation: Yes, it is against the law. No, you weren't 'saving' the chickens by stealing that bucket of extra tasty crispy from KFC.


"Let the dead bury the dead."
Explanation: Just enjoy your enchiladas.


"Lightning never strikes the same place twice."
Explanation: You're not getting off that roof until the shingling is done.


"Live and let live."
Explanation: There's no such thing as a Lord of the Soup; Lou has got the same right to enjoy his navy bean as you do.


”We’re known by the company we keep.”
Explanation: when I’m with you I’m known as a guy that constantly points out all of the passing things over which he’d prefer to have a turkey.