Dear Sir:

I live alone. This is by my own design as I don't like people touching my things or eating my mild cheese spreads. Please don't take me for a misanthrope. It's not that I don't trust my fellow man. It's just that I won't give them the opportunity to betray me again. Still, I would entertain the idea of receiving guests into my apartment--one at a time, with sufficient advance notice, so long as they bore gifts (or at least greeting cards or paper towels).

The problem is since no one has been in my apartment since I took my oath to secure the borders of my efficiency or die trying, I really cannot be sure if it smells. To be sure, I find a pleasant odor commonly curling through the air which is no more objectionable than a piece of toast or chicken Ala king. Indeed, I have always thought of myself as invariably sweet smelling, descended from a long line of softly musky lawmen and notaries. But I've found, as I'm sure you have, that the human condition affords us a great capacity for acclimating to foreign effluvia. In short, I feel that I cannot trust my own sense of smell. But, I would be simply mortified if I finally put down my arms to welcome back into my inner sanctum those whom I had summarily banished all those years ago, only to see a look flash over their cursed little faces of having smelled something foul--because who are they to stand in judgment with their mean little lives replete with wrist-watches, mouth wash, 3 alarm chili, tropical fruit medleys, and upright vacuums?

My question is: is there a way of determining if my apartment smells without inviting someone in for their opinion? I appreciate your counsel.

Faithfully Submitted,

Phylis Stein

long-distance hurler