He didn’t like himself as much as he liked liking himself. Truth be told he was not a likable sort even qualifying by some measures as a fraud and a crook having once attempted to pawn his mother’s prized spatula rumored to have been used by Ladybird Johnson before she was the first lady (only returning it after experts agreed that it was not a spatula at all but rather a broken ladle). But liking, as he did, liking himself there is little reason to dwell on all that nitpicking and handwringing when a simple act - sort of the cognitive analogue to a squat thrust - could suffice. While it may seem that liking feeling like a virtuous person should come in under the title of liking liking one’s self, that’s liking yourself as the feeling is predicated on yourself. On the contrary, liking liking yourself requires no such introspection and its onset need not track nor examine your days in any normative, comparative or qualitative way. Instead, all that’s required is a simple affirmation entirely removed from any analysis or scrutiny. Liking liking is like loving loving it needs a vehicle but any will do. So go ahead and treat yourself to some validation, you’ll be proud of yourself for having done it.

Why I Don't Wash My Hands When I Pee (But You Should)

The idea is not revolutionary. On the contrary, its opposite – which I write now to oppose – is more rightly considered a novel concept with little more history to commend it than the electric mixer or the hula hoop. Why wash my hands when all that I’ve touched is profoundly my own? Touching the faucet would invite the intrusion of more unpleasantries than it would ward off. But beloved Deputy Postmaster General (nominal, ceremonial honor bestowed by the local post office), what about the door knob that requires your touch for exit, you may inquire? Well, hopefully others who have touched it have washed their hands as propriety would humbly request, leaving me no worse for their lasciviousness. Some may feel inclined to subject their practices to the scrutiny of a question like what if everyone did what you now do? To this sort of ill-conceived self-righteousness I’d respond that if everyone did as I do, the world would be suffuse with the sort of modern solutions for everyday kennel cough that I have made a modest name for myself developing in my home offices in Dubuque, IA. If the question were put to me if I’d rather live in a world without a common if crippling infirmity of house pets and a world where every toilet was flushed, my answer would be clear.

Lord Balthingmount was said to be fair to his faithful devotees; and in return for his mercy, infectious songwriting and social discretion he only asked that no one ever touch his fence.

"I'm afraid the law is quite clear on this point, Sir."

The things they disapproved of were limited but definite, including:

-fat Asians (for surely no principles prizing individuality could operate to question the fact that Asians were not, by their common genetic ancestry, predisposed to obesity; therefore, fat Asians have no one to blame but themselves.)

-shoe trees

-the expression, in its common usage, it is what it is (under certain circumstances it seemed like it could be the stuff of paltry revelation but as it is often used it seems to say something at times when silence would suffice).

-the way twins are so proud of their status like - as Flannery O'Connor has said - they thought up the damn idea.

-Bulgar wheat

-improv troupes (because if they were either as concerned with the present and contemporaneous as they'd have us believe or really a troupe at all, they'd be fighting in the new war.)

-the way people say sex symbol when they really just mean sexy person (there are very few sex symbols but they are all emblematic of genitalia with small heads or gaping mouths)

-decorative landscaping (though she loved corsage)

-ginger snaps

-artichokes

Europa, Europa!

The plan was perfectly wrought: what better way to seduce the object of your desire than to turn yourself into a cow. For such was the way of this woman and such was the will of Zeus whose sexual prowess was only matched by the duplicitousness required to effectuate his zealous loves and ecstatic erotic unions. And when the cow spoke she thought: hey, talking cow! and she was filled with a sense of adventure and rebellion. And when she was installed as the Queen of Crete she knew: this was more than just a talking cow, this was a magical cow. And though Zeus had long since revealed his true form she always looked back fondly at the cow who had first swept her off her feet.

Gunther A. Macoulahputz, Postmaster General: the 80s

What an anomaly. After returning to ourselves throughout previous decades we now turned away like one would from a video of your lower intestine hard at work. Everyone, but everyone, was seized with the certainty that we were living in the future. But not the idealized future posited by ideologues; as often as not the future we'd suddenly found ourselves in was a dystopian revelation. What choice did I have? We were losing. So, I did what I had to do: I allowed mail-carriers everywhere to start wearing short pants, but, only if they wore safari hats too.

And when the moment comes you will feel nothing: no fear, no love, no pride, no pain, no pants, no shirt - just an urge and a headband. And when you can't fit it into your empty can nor squash it beneath your sandal, you'll raise the bullhorn to your lips and through your song the world will know the terror and exhilaration you feel at having absolutely no recollection of the past 48 hours. And your unintelligible admonitions and indecipherable entreaties will set us all free.

Favorite Proverbs Explained

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness."
Explanation: If you can't be a pious sort, at least wash that frock once in a while.


"Discretion is the better part of valor."
Explanation: the other part involves a knowledge of explosives and, in all probability, flame-retardant pants - you choose.


"Charity begins at home."
Explanation: First treat yourself to a nice piece of fish; then, go ahead and donate that car in the garage to the blind but maybe make sure they only drive it slowly.


"Don't go near the water until you learn how to swim."
Explanation: but even after you've learned there are plenty of strokes that are equally useful on dry land.


"Barking dogs seldom bite."
Explanation: go ahead and take that soup bone back, Rex won't mind.


"Better to be alone than in bad company."
Explanation: they were an altogether shitty band, your solo career can only improve.


"Don't wash your dirty linen in public."
Explanation: self-explanatory


"Every man has his price."
Explanation: maybe, but you're a real bargain only wanting that last bit of corned beef.


"Fear of death is worse than death itself."
Explanation: If you're that upset about it, the Powers that be will probably let you keep that sectional sofa or promise to get you another one just like it.


"He that is master of himself will soon be master of others."
Explanation: you too can end your almost chemical reliance on toothpaste if you just follow my simple instructions.


"He that knows nothing, doubts nothing."
Explanation: If you knew anything you wouldn't have trusted Dr. Mojak’s promise to refrain from fondling your breasts while you were sedated.


"He who hesitates is lost."
Explanation: what the hell are you waiting for these yams won't peel themselves.


"Ignorance of the law excuses no man."
Explanation: Yes, it is against the law. No, you weren't 'saving' the chickens by stealing that bucket of extra tasty crispy from KFC.


"Let the dead bury the dead."
Explanation: Just enjoy your enchiladas.


"Lightning never strikes the same place twice."
Explanation: You're not getting off that roof until the shingling is done.


"Live and let live."
Explanation: There's no such thing as a Lord of the Soup; Lou has got the same right to enjoy his navy bean as you do.


”We’re known by the company we keep.”
Explanation: when I’m with you I’m known as a guy that constantly points out all of the passing things over which he’d prefer to have a turkey.

"I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the human body, then I realized: look who's telling me that."

-Emo Philips

The night, like bacon round a francheezie, has begun to surrond me (and the cheese canal of my inner sanctum)

I wonder if we'll ever know just how many nudes there are sitting on rocks on other planets looking up and wondering how many nudes there are sitting on rocks only to find out that in the end they too subscribe to the notion that one benchmark of civilization is the covering of genitalia.

And so it was that after hours of what seemed to him like spirited debate, Lenny the Statesman realized that the strange creatures hadn't the foggiest notion of what economic indicators were let alone which were best for the long term.

Am I really so fat as to cry tears of jelly?

POSSIBLE REASONS WHY THE PROJECT FOR THE NEW AMERICAN CENTURY ENDORSES THE CREATION OF PERMANENT SPACE POLICE:

-Venus's impenetrable cloud cover warrants, at the very least, healthy suspicion, at worst outright mistrust
-so we don't have to fight them within our own atmosphere.
-disaffected Plutonians' icy stares could bring about a chilling effect on our economic output.
-the fact that the ancient Hebrews called Mercury the star of the sun or the son of the sun seems to mock the new testament and all it stands for: this is needless affrontery indicative of galactic ambitions which, when coupled with the erraticness of its namesake, makes some sort of security measures deperately needed. (magma core of the planet could also afford them the use of fireballs should it come to armed conflict)
-Saturn coddles terrorists
-the moon has to decide whose side it's on
-because freedom isn't free.

"Alright enough! After Bobbo here got shrunk I thought maybe it was you, Big Chief Walks Like Duck, but now it's all too clear: I just saw you shrink Alan Funt, the donkey, Milo the Medicine Man. Now just cut it out, the both of you!"

Now that his Aunt Clorvis was gone, nobody but his trusted horse, Maurice Chevalier, knew what a lively dancer Styles "Two Shoes" Papanikalaus had become. If he ever did make it, he assured his friend he would get the credit for their signature hand claps that he deserved.

And he played and he played. And after while the other Gods were able to convince the vengeful Hera that she was actually a very caring and empathetic immortal. The fact that she had responded to the impolitic boasts of Gerana the queen of the Pygmies - that she was more beautiful than herself - by turning her into a crane and proclaiming that her bird descendants would forever wage war on the already slighted Pygmy folk was really self-defense. So they were half a body shorter than any other human; so they were a winsome people whose only earthly joys came from turning cartwheels, weaving and filberts; so they already lived in paralyzing fear of prairie dogs and hoot owls; a halfling ought to know their place.

Tips for Wrestling with Inner Demons

Because they are inner demons and all of your appendages and weapons are external, traditional combat techniques won't get you far. The timid would tell you you really can't do much but try to drown them with protein shakes. However, in so doing you risk all that protein just making their hair and eyes healthier. Punching yourself will hurt you more than them and you'll lose the respect of your peers. Holding your breath will do approximately the same. Communion wafers and other edible religious artifacts ostensibly seem like the best shot but that presumes that they won't crumble or dissolve on the way down. Eating them whole is better but you risk losing consciousness if they get lodged, thus affording the demons the opportunity to advance no doubt taking a strategic stronghold in your hypothalmus--he who controls saliva production and other autonomic functioning controls the man. Those with acid reflux have an advantage but they've likely arrived at such by indulgent lifestyles which would tend to indicate a weaker constitution anyway. In the end your best bet is probably to punch yourself and mutter.

'yes it is a lovely ham but im just browsing'

It's not really volunteering on a Bolivian peanut farm if you're just doing it for the protein.

What makes you tick, Ol' Ironsides?

Q: Do you consider yourself a conscientious student?

A: I don't know if I consider myself a conscientious student. I pride myself on always having fresh pens and clean paper but sometimes that's not enough.

Q: Why the city?

A: I know lots of people like to flock to the countryside to become more in touch with the great magnet that controls all of our laws but there are laws that affect us right here in the city--such as those laws that force flashers to meet with many levels of city and state approval (even requiring them to buy, and then display, a medallion which is emblematic of that official approval) before they can go on continually exposing themselves to you or I.

mild cheeses: discretion is the better part of cheese-making as well.

No one is indifferent to pekingese. You're either with them or you're against them.

Ask the Last Honest Colo-Rectal Man

Q: Is it harmful to retain flatus (hold in farts)?

A: This is a matter of some historical disagreement. For centuries, people believed that "retaining flatus" was bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets seemingly out of concern for poeple's health--though it is notable that the law, as written, only applied to cowmen (half-cow, half-man) who weren't allowed into banquets without explicit authorization from Bovinia the Cow Goddess of Mount Oraple. Then in medieval times people believed that retaining flatus for too long would attract witches. This would have been unequivocally bad but it was thought that witches (and, in limited circumstances, dwarves) were the only ones who could cure you if the Black Knight cursed your chickens. However, they often demanded bread up front or took a percentage interest of the rights to your cobbling proceeds. Then among certain strata of Elizabethan aristocracy it was thought that farting was a decidedly plebian undertaking, and so, in deciding to retain flatus as a demonstration of their sophistication and grace many were later thought to have stunted their growth and hastened the mumps. It was subsequently theorized that the mumps came from gypsy lotharios who did not sleep nearly enough yet still didn't make any meaningful attempts to find any work except in widwifery which they were clearly not qualified for by disposition or training. Today it is an article of faith that retaing flatus helps create jobs.

One wonders how Thoreau's legacy as a transcendentalist and rugged individualist would be affected if people knew just how much he loved the tub.

Excerpt From a Suddenly Renewed Correspondence with an Erstwhile Fat Friend

"...Well I'll be dipped in marmalade. Hi ya, big fella. Glad to hear everything's alright. I hope you're not so big as to block out the sun for the nice aussies/kiwis who've played host to you for these past years. I can still remember that smell of slow death that came from your room every morning and thinking of the way your face swelled when you slept in tents does the same to my heart. Come home to us. Remember the way we'd blend like waters until we couldn't tell where you stopped and I started except by noting that you were the fat one and I was the one you were sitting on..."

Are we really so blind as to think that the strategic value of the middle east has nothing to do with all those genies and their luscious melon breasts?

Another Day in the Presumably All-Canine Canadian Province of Labrador - Chapter 1

The sun was a flaming frisbee as it rose. The Boulevard Rue des Poulet looked as it did seven years ago--enough time for a single revolution of the planet but not enough to gain the support of enough bulldog-proles to unseat Rusty the Poodle King--the last time Chi Chi walked its lengths. He knew the scrutiny of a daylit walk in the capital city spelled trouble for one of his past. But since the disappearance of Ladybird (a.k.a. Wiggles), his friend and lover, he knew a sense of abandon and resignation that almost welcomed a brand of trouble that might bring with it the diminution or outright end of his pain--and besides he loved the smell. As Chi Chi walked he felt a gathering unity in the pull of his hunger, his heartache, and what might well have been heartworm; in the bent reflection of the sun in the now-broken shop windows, and tumbledown shacks beyond, he saw the fleeting radiance and splendor that had gilded the capital city years ago inspiring in all its denizens some kind of ecstatic impulse to just sprint and sprint until they had to lie down on one side, their chests heaving and tongues darting, the nip of water they had just lapped up from the communal fountain, commemorating Rex the founding father and kibble-giver, now on the pavement around their faces in almost its entirety. These images raced through his head with similar frenzy. Illusory as they may have been they only stopped when Chi Chi would have to attend to a persistent itch where his neck met his face or when he thought he smelled news on a tree or fence. He thought he smelled something of note several times yet their was no news--the entire province seemed to have lost its bone yet no one knew where to look; the Poodle-King's sleight of hand had worked; the Bulldog-proles seemed to have forgot almost everything, again, contenting, and seemingly sustaining themselves, with whatever they could find whether it was a scrap of turkey roll, an empty bottle, discarded lightbulb, or styrofoam popcorn packing pieces. Indeed, their had been no news for the year since Chi Chi became a self-imposed exile--living with a nice family in Halifax. He didn't blame the Halvorsons for thinking he was a compelling refutation of the logic that mutts are smarter. They'd tell him to come, he'd stay. They'd tell him to stay, he'd pee. Chi Chi had never known mediocrity in any form. But to say that which follows from a sapping of the will to live is not mediocrity would render the term entirely useless. However, the Halvorsons never seemed to care and arguably loved Chi Chi more for his failings, for the couch he destroyed, for the Easter ham that could not be resurrected. And it was this feeling that dogs were essentially good and worth fighting for that compelled him to return. However, this was not the sort of goal the completion of which would usher in a subsequent period of unfettered elation. This was something Chi Chi thought the world deserved before he left it.

TO BE CONTINUED...

THINGS I’D HAVE ERECTED IF I WERE KING FOR A DAY:

1. obelisk
2. bust
3. arena
4. abstract, sculpted rendering of my fortitude/virility which to the lay eye looks something like an ostrich and a comb
5. ziggurat
6. youth astride a prow representing victory on the top of a pylon surrounded by hippocampi--half horse, half sea creature thought to like plankton in their feed.
6. snack shack