Monday, October 30, 2006

Tips for Wrestling with Inner Demons


Because they are inner demons and all of your appendages and weapons are external, traditional combat techniques won't get you far. The timid would tell you you really can't do much but try to drown them with protein shakes. However, in so doing you risk all that protein just making their hair and eyes healthier. Punching yourself will hurt you more than them and you'll lose the respect of your peers. Holding your breath will do approximately the same. Communion wafers and other edible religious artifacts ostensibly seem like the best shot but that presumes that they won't crumble or dissolve on the way down. Eating them whole is better but you risk losing consciousness if they get lodged, thus affording the demons the opportunity to advance no doubt taking a strategic stronghold in your hypothalmus--he who controls saliva production and other autonomic functioning controls the man. Those with acid reflux have an advantage but they've likely arrived at such by indulgent lifestyles which would tend to indicate a weaker constitution anyway. In the end your best bet is probably to punch yourself and mutter.

'yes it is a lovely ham but im just browsing'
It's not really volunteering on a Bolivian peanut farm if you're just doing it for the protein.

What makes you tick, Ol' Ironsides?


Q: Do you consider yourself a conscientious student?

A: I don't know if I consider myself a conscientious student. I pride myself on always having fresh pens and clean paper but sometimes that's not enough.

Q: Why the city?

A: I know lots of people like to flock to the countryside to become more in touch with the great magnet that controls all of our laws but there are laws that affect us right here in the city--such as those laws that force flashers to meet with many levels of city and state approval (even requiring them to buy, and then display, a medallion which is emblematic of that official approval) before they can go on continually exposing themselves to you or I.
mild cheeses: discretion is the better part of cheese-making as well.

No one is indifferent to pekingese. You're either with them or you're against them.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Ask the Last Honest Colo-Rectal Man


Q: Is it harmful to retain flatus (hold in farts)?

A: This is a matter of some historical disagreement. For centuries, people believed that "retaining flatus" was bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets seemingly out of concern for poeple's health--though it is notable that the law, as written, only applied to cowmen (half-cow, half-man) who weren't allowed into banquets without explicit authorization from Bovinia the Cow Goddess of Mount Oraple. Then in medieval times people believed that retaining flatus for too long would attract witches. This would have been unequivocally bad but it was thought that witches (and, in limited circumstances, dwarves) were the only ones who could cure you if the Black Knight cursed your chickens. However, they often demanded bread up front or took a percentage interest of the rights to your cobbling proceeds. Then among certain strata of Elizabethan aristocracy it was thought that farting was a decidedly plebian undertaking, and so, in deciding to retain flatus as a demonstration of their sophistication and grace many were later thought to have stunted their growth and hastened the mumps. It was subsequently theorized that the mumps came from gypsy lotharios who did not sleep nearly enough yet still didn't make any meaningful attempts to find any work except in widwifery which they were clearly not qualified for by disposition or training. Today it is an article of faith that retaing flatus helps create jobs.


One wonders how Thoreau's legacy as a transcendentalist and rugged individualist would be affected if people knew just how much he loved the tub.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Excerpt From a Suddenly Renewed Correspondence with an Erstwhile Fat Friend

"...Well I'll be dipped in marmalade. Hi ya, big fella. Glad to hear everything's alright. I hope you're not so big as to block out the sun for the nice aussies/kiwis who've played host to you for these past years. I can still remember that smell of slow death that came from your room every morning and thinking of the way your face swelled when you slept in tents does the same to my heart. Come home to us. Remember the way we'd blend like waters until we couldn't tell where you stopped and I started except by noting that you were the fat one and I was the one you were sitting on..."

Monday, October 16, 2006

Are we really so blind as to think that the strategic value of the middle east has nothing to do with all those genies and their luscious melon breasts?

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Another Day in the Presumably All-Canine Canadian Province of Labrador - Chapter 1

The sun was a flaming frisbee as it rose. The Boulevard Rue des Poulet looked as it did seven years ago--enough time for a single revolution of the planet but not enough to gain the support of enough bulldog-proles to unseat Rusty the Poodle King--the last time Chi Chi walked its lengths. He knew the scrutiny of a daylit walk in the capital city spelled trouble for one of his past. But since the disappearance of Ladybird (a.k.a. Wiggles), his friend and lover, he knew a sense of abandon and resignation that almost welcomed a brand of trouble that might bring with it the diminution or outright end of his pain--and besides he loved the smell. As Chi Chi walked he felt a gathering unity in the pull of his hunger, his heartache, and what might well have been heartworm; in the bent reflection of the sun in the now-broken shop windows, and tumbledown shacks beyond, he saw the fleeting radiance and splendor that had gilded the capital city years ago inspiring in all its denizens some kind of ecstatic impulse to just sprint and sprint until they had to lie down on one side, their chests heaving and tongues darting, the nip of water they had just lapped up from the communal fountain, commemorating Rex the founding father and kibble-giver, now on the pavement around their faces in almost its entirety. These images raced through his head with similar frenzy. Illusory as they may have been they only stopped when Chi Chi would have to attend to a persistent itch where his neck met his face or when he thought he smelled news on a tree or fence. He thought he smelled something of note several times yet their was no news--the entire province seemed to have lost its bone yet no one knew where to look; the Poodle-King's sleight of hand had worked; the Bulldog-proles seemed to have forgot almost everything, again, contenting, and seemingly sustaining themselves, with whatever they could find whether it was a scrap of turkey roll, an empty bottle, discarded lightbulb, or styrofoam popcorn packing pieces. Indeed, their had been no news for the year since Chi Chi became a self-imposed exile--living with a nice family in Halifax. He didn't blame the Halvorsons for thinking he was a compelling refutation of the logic that mutts are smarter. They'd tell him to come, he'd stay. They'd tell him to stay, he'd pee. Chi Chi had never known mediocrity in any form. But to say that which follows from a sapping of the will to live is not mediocrity would render the term entirely useless. However, the Halvorsons never seemed to care and arguably loved Chi Chi more for his failings, for the couch he destroyed, for the Easter ham that could not be resurrected. And it was this feeling that dogs were essentially good and worth fighting for that compelled him to return. However, this was not the sort of goal the completion of which would usher in a subsequent period of unfettered elation. This was something Chi Chi thought the world deserved before he left it.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

THINGS I’D HAVE ERECTED IF I WERE KING FOR A DAY:

1. obelisk
2. bust
3. arena
4. abstract, sculpted rendering of my fortitude/virility which to the lay eye looks something like an ostrich and a comb
5. ziggurat
6. youth astride a prow representing victory on the top of a pylon surrounded by hippocampi--half horse, half sea creature thought to like plankton in their feed.
6. snack shack